Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
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Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.