Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
You Might Also Like
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Message from the dog groomers
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Joseph Smith, 1833
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Put the is in disheveled
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy