Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
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Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.