Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
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*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Last-minute gift idea!
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.