Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
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“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN