Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
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You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
We will use anything but the metric system
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles