Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
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. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
