oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
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*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
New Year’s hottest club is…Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
🤣could you imagine
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…