oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
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NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
🤣🤣🤣🤣
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
