oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
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can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
the rocks need my help
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
🖕🏻👽
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person