Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

*Telephone Rings*

Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?

Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?

[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

Almost nailed it! 😂🤣

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.

Super Hand Dog Face

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me