Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

#Caturday

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!

OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy