Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
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kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…