“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
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*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*