Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
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Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*