Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?

Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!

Guinness: …
(tilts her head)

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

Wake me when AI does housework

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving