Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
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craving $300 all of a sudden
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans