Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
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Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.