Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

Mornin. * use accordingly

The internet is full of many things

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

Meat Cute

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.