Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
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Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
thats my bad
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
As per my last nervous breakdown
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.