oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
excuse me
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
WHY?!
I have never heard an armadillo before.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?