oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
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Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Me too 😆
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…