oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
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Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
What the hell is going on?
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Sorry. Not sorry
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I’ve been learning to cook.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.