Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???

“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”

“A hiss-drawn carriage”

Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.