oh you like architecture? name three walls
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“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine