oh you like architecture? name three walls
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The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
A family that plays together cheats.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
It’s on my to-do list.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”