oh you like architecture? name three walls
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Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU