oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
You Might Also Like
Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation