Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
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If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
There’s only one good girl here!
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,