oh you like nyc? name every rat
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I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a