oh you like nyc? name every rat
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[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Jurassic park gets weird
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Isn’t
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes