oh you like nyc? name every rat
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Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
*aggressively waits in line*
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business