oh you like nyc? name every rat
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I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me