oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
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I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?