oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
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No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning