oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
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Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.