oh you like road-trips? name every road then
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If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t