oh you like road-trips? name every road then
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5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
What even happened today?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me