Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
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[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.