Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
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I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*