Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
You Might Also Like
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school