Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
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It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters