Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
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The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Girl, same.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Vodka burrito was a success
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.