Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
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My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.