Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
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One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water
me looking at the christmas cookie tray:
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!