Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
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You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.