Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
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Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
i really liked this one
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.