Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants

ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT

captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*

me: great now who’s gonna do the news

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)