Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
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DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
The Punning Dead.
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little