oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
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“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
thank god the sign was there
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Me when I’m ovulating
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.