Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century