Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
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20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I’m Sold!
Stick it to the man
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.