Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
You Might Also Like
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.