Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
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Dream catchers imply the existence of dream pitchers, dream shortstops, an entire dream team.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Sloth Dad: i got some fireworks to celebrate your birthday
Sloth Son: um dad my birthday is four months away
Sloth Dad: okay I’m lighting them get ready to run
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said ‘when are you due?’ This is why we are here…
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*