@SortaBad

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

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@Fred_Delicious

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

@anniemalistics

Dream catchers imply the existence of dream pitchers, dream shortstops, an entire dream team.

@EndhooS

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

@sonictyrant

Sloth Dad: i got some fireworks to celebrate your birthday

Sloth Son: um dad my birthday is four months away

Sloth Dad: okay I’m lighting them get ready to run

@Aikiwomannc

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

@shutupmikeginn

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

@TheTobbie

On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said ‘when are you due?’ This is why we are here…

@WorkingMom86

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

@ElKnuckelhombre

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

@ermahgarton

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*