Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
You Might Also Like
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
How did we not see this back then?
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Me trying to “trust the process”
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.