Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
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*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
They’re not wrong
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.