Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
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When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
when she block me on everything
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
the red hot silly peppers
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea