Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
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my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”