Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
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Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.