Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
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I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Mike is short for Micycle
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.