Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
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*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee