Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
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“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
sleeping beauty
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Netflix and awkward silence?
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.