Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
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*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together