GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
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This is why I hate group projects
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party