oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
You Might Also Like
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Accurate
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I saw nothing
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question