oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
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[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap