oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
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I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER