oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
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Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?