oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
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My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
The smoothest fall of all time
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.