Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
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My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
