Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
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I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Just so funny
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I will never stop laughing at this
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.