Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
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364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!