Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
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No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
john wicks are toilet candles
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
And now we wait
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”