@pondermymaker

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

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@abbycohenwl

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

@chris_isloi

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

@joshbupkes

when you’re a kid you’re like “how do actors cry so easily?” and when you grow up you’re like “how is anyone ever not crying?”

@rebrafsim

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

@LawbsterSaid

“Wow! Can you believe it’s almost June already?!”

YES DEB, I AM WHOLLY MYSTIFIED BY THE NATURAL PROGRESSION OF TIME ON PLANET EARTH

@Tom_Vom

It sounded like someone on a moped was approaching but it turned out to be 1,000 bees on a regular bicycle.

@catlikethiefx0

I should’ve been a child star so I could’ve gotten all my working out of the way and been an accomplished drug addict by now.

@TheBoydP

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.