Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
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So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
when you’re a kid you’re like “how do actors cry so easily?” and when you grow up you’re like “how is anyone ever not crying?”
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
“Wow! Can you believe it’s almost June already?!”
YES DEB, I AM WHOLLY MYSTIFIED BY THE NATURAL PROGRESSION OF TIME ON PLANET EARTH
It sounded like someone on a moped was approaching but it turned out to be 1,000 bees on a regular bicycle.
I should’ve been a child star so I could’ve gotten all my working out of the way and been an accomplished drug addict by now.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.